I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
