Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
