chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
