I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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