I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
