Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
