She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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