My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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