I think my fart just growled at me.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
