NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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