so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
