she kept yelling 'call me bella'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
