I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
