I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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