I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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