I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
