he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
