my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
