Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
