you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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