i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
