In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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