Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
