Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
