i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
