Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
