Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
