You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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