Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
