I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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