i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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