she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
