i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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