you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
