im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
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I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
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I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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