Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
