3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
