1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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