i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's shark week go big or go home
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
