when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
40s are totally the cure
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
