Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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