Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
