My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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