so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
