Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
