I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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