Umm I'm too high to move.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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