I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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