I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Even my vagina gasped.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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