Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
