Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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