Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
