there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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