make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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