Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
